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Frequently asked questions about sexual matters

The (f) or (m) after each question indicates whether it has been asked by a male or female. Many of the answers have links to articles and guides. Click on the links to read the answers, or simply scroll down the page to read everything.

Q: My partner never comes while we are having sex and I have to bring her off with my hand afterwards. What am I doing wrong?

A: You're maybe not doing anything wrong - it might be just that you're not doing enough of what's right! Foreplay is very important and studying this article: Intercourse Anorgasmia might provide some assistance.

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Q: My guy is just too fast every time we have sex and he doesn't seem to realise how important this is to me. I can see us breaking up over this because I'm rapidly losing interest but he won't listen. How can I make him see sense?

A: It's not possible to actually make anybody listen if they don't want to! It's very important that you help him to recognise what's in it for him, in the way of more/better sex, because that way it is more likely that he will want to go along with it. If you instead keep emphasising that it is all about you he might feel as if he is being attacked or criticised - and in way, he's right. Here's a good way to start the conversation:

"This is not about you, nor about me, but it is very much about us because we're both getting it wrong somehow."

Also, here are three useful articles for you to read that might help:

Sexual Differences
Why females lose interest
Sexual Communication

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Q: How can I delay ejaculation? I don't have PE but I would like to last a bit longer than I can at the moment.

A: Most males can learn how to sustain for longer, with practice. Although you may not be suffering from Premature Ejaculation it is still worth reading the article about it because there are two techniques given there that can help you greatly. Here's the link: Premature Ejaculation You'll see that there's a reference to an audio CD which will also help.

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Q: I almost come then it goes away. I've never actually quite managed it although I think I almost have on my own! When I'm having sex, though, it all feels different and somehow less intense. What can I do?

A: This is almost certainly one of the forms of Anorgasmia. If you are young - under 21 or so - it may be just that your body hasn't yet learnt to do it; some women don't manage it until they are about 25 years old. Sometimes, learning how to masturbate properly can help. Read these two pages:

Female Masturbation Guide

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Q: I can't maintain an erection either during sex or when I masturbate - it comes up quite easily but then seems to fade quite quickly. I'm 34 years old and have always had a tendency to this sort of thing. I can sometimes ejaculate but it's not very satisfactory.

A: This is one of the commonest problems to affect males - it is so universal, in fact, that almost all males experience it now and again, the more so as they get older. Having said that, males of 80 can still sustain erection for long enough to achieve a satisfactory ejaculation. The first thing you must do is visit your GP - sometimes there is a physical cause and this can be treated. If there is no physical problem, then you might benefit by reading the pages on the following two links: Erectile Dysfunction and Masturbation Complex - this last is often the cause of guilt-related failure.

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Q: I get pain around my testicles when I come. What can this be?

A: Any pain always needs to be medically investigated; testicular pain is usually not serious and although many males worry that it might be cancer, the fact is that cancer of the testicles is rare, usually painless - and has a 99% cure rate anyway. More likely is that you have a mild inflamation which can be sorted out quite quickly and easily. Go to see your GP!

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Q: Penetration is really painful, as if my vagina is sore. It's beginning to put me off sex - how can I deal with this?

A: This sounds as if it could be something called Vestibulitis often referred to as Vulvadinia. In this condition, there is pain whenever any pressure is placed upon the vestibule, which is at the beginning of the vagina - so penetrative sex is likely to be uncomfortable. There are creams available that might help but these are not 'over the counter' medications - you need to see your GP to get proper treatment.

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Q: My boyfriend wants anal sex but I don't

A: Then tell him! Nobody should feel compelled to do anything sexually that they don't want to do. Sex is (or should be) very much a shared experience and this means that both participants should find what they are doing to be erotically enjoyable. It is safe to say that more men are interested in anal sex than women - but then it's not their anus that's being penetrated! Having said that, the anus is richly supplied with pleasure sensory nerve endings and it is a fact that there are quite a few women who enjoy anal intercourse, as long as the man is not too rough. Anal sex is not in any way dangerous if the male is gentle, though it is always best to use a lubricant. Penetration by the entire length of the penis is unwise. Resist all pressure if you really don't want to do it but if you decide to try it, make it quite clear that (a) he has to be gentle; and (b) it might be the only time you do it.

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Q: My girlfriend wants me to go down on her but I don't know what to do

A: There are many different techniques for oral sex but the most important thing to remember is that you should only try any of them if you like the idea or are at least not 'turned off' by it, which some people are. To find out more, read this article: Giving Oral to a Female

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Q: My wife is very loose 'down there' - is there anything we can do?

A: Possibly... depending on the reasons and how long the situation has existed. It is unlikely to be due to any physical condition other than aging or the effects of childbirth, especially if she has borne more than two children. There are two solutions: (1) A consultation with a gynaecologist to investigate the possibility of surgery - this is somewhat drastic and certainly not always an option; or (2) Using a series of pelvic floor exercises designed to tighten the muscles around the vaginal canal. If the slackness is mild, this is probably the best option.

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Q: My semen is a lot thicker than it used to be and sometimes it is a while coming out. Does this indicate anything serious?

A: Probably not. You don't say how old you are but this is certainly a fairly normal symptom of ageing; many older males experience 3 or 4 ejaculatory pulses before the appearance of any semen, which might be scanty and thick. This does not diminish sexual enjoyment in the normal way unless you become anxious about it, when it can be quite inhibiting. In addition to these 'age responses' there is usually a weakening of the Pubococcygeus muscle which assists ejaculation resulting in less 'spurt' than in a younger man. If you are under 40, however, and experiencing these symptoms, it is advisable to visit your Doctor since there a few medical condition that can cause these symptoms.

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Q: Is it safe to have sex while I'm pregnant?

A: It depends to a large extent on which stage of pregnancy you are in, your general health, problems experienced during any previous pregnancies. There is no definitive answer here and it is a good idea to consult your gynaecologist, Doctor, or midwife.

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Q: My boyfriend wants me to masturbate him but I'm not sure how to do it

A: It's actually quite difficult to get this wrong - almost all males love their penis just being handled! For some guidance, though, have a look at this article: Giving a hand job

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Q: I'm sure that something is wrong with my private parts but I'm too embarrassed to see the doctor

A: There probably is nothing wrong, actually - most of the time this sort of fear is without foundation. You don't say if you are male or female but there are a couple of picture files you can download from this site that will help to reassure you - or indicate that there actually is something wrong and you need to see your doctor. There's no need for embarrassment, by the way; a Doctor, by the time they have finished their training, has seen ever part of the human body enough times that genitals are not more exciting than feet or shoulders.

The two downloadable files are:

Male Genitalia
Female Genitalia
PLEASE NOTE: These are photographic images of adult genitals.

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Q: How can I come more than once? All my friends seem to be able to have multiple orgasms.

A: As long as you are able to come once, you can probably learn to come several times - reading the Female Masturbation Guide might help; you will need to practice before you can do it during intercourse or other sexual activity. Use the guide to learn how your body works and be sure to use your mind - which is the most powerful sex organ we have! Don't be too concerned about what your friends tell you because an awful lot of people say they can do what they believe everybody else is already able to do.

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Q: My partner wants me to ejaculate and he insists that all women can if they would just let go. I've never heard of such a thing - surely it's not possible?

A: Well, there are two distinct schools of thought on this one. There are those who say that many women can ejaculate and those that say emphatically that no woman can ejaculate - the last are often medical doctors. Absolutely nobody says that all women can ejaculate, except, perhaps, for your partner. It is true, though, that many women who probably could do so are holding back - sometimes because the physical sensations are so intense, sometimes because they feel as if they are about to urinate.

To find out more, you can read this article: Female Ejaculation

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Q: How on earth do I do a good blow job? I am happy enough about doing it but my boyfriend thinks I'm not very good at it.

A: You're probably making a very simple mistake, though he may not even realise it himself. When Oral Sex isn't working for a man, it's usually because the woman is being too repetitive or starting in the wrong way. Many women think that sucking is the answer but this is generally not that exciting for a male, especially at the beginning. It's always best to start with a bit of teasing; use your hands as well as your mouth and don't try to get too much of him in there at first. Stroke his testicles with your fingers, lightly kiss all along the shaft of his penis, masturbate him a little with your hands and fingers, and gently lick all around the glans for a little while until he is as hard as a rock. THEN put him into your mouth and close your lips around his shaft moving your mouth up and down so that he feels as if he is having intercourse without having to move. There's no need to suck unless he specifically asks you to and then be guided by him as to how hard. In fact, you can be guided by him throughout, once he realises that you are a willing partner and will try the things he asks you to do.

It is important to recognise that this is essentially for him - you are not going to get a lot out of it sexually. This is all about making the man feel good because you want to or perhaps because you are seeking to avoid intercourse at the time. If he has a smell about him that puts you off, suggest that you share a bath or a shower together first - tell him that you want to make sure that you are relaxed and in the mood and that this will help greatly. It's best not to tell him about the smell as this can cause a real loss of confidence and possibly even trigger Performance Anxiety - the male sexual ego really is not very strong. Get your technique right and when it's your turn to be pleasured, you will have a very willing partner.

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