A 'How to do it' guide for those who want to do it well
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There are many therapists and other experts in the field of human sexuality who will insist that you are unlikely to be sexually healthy unless you are comfortable and skilled with masturbation. It is a fact that because it is something that you can do on your own (though not necessarily on your own) it is almost certainly the best way to discover what feels good and what is not so good.
Most females are brought up with little information about the genitals or that way that part of the body is 'supposed' to work and it fair to say that sex and masturbation certainly does not come naturally to all women.
- Some easily achieve orgasm from the start
- Some take years to learn the skill
- Some can only orgasm from intercourse
- Some can only achieve orgasm from masturbation
- Some can only achieve it from vaginal penetration
- Some achieve it only from clitoral stimulation
Masturbation to orgasm can take anything from a few minutes to several hours - and the more you prepare, the more powerful the orgasm you are likely to achieve. Here's an effective 'plan':
- Get yourself in the right mood - some females can just decide to do it, others need to think about it for a while and however you 'work' is the right thing for you. You need to make sure you will not be disturbed (so turn off your 'phone and make sure the door is locked). If you have children, find some way of occupying them or getting them out of the way for a while; it is uncomfortable for children (of any age) to be confronted with a parents sexuality as it is for a parent to perceive it in the children. Make sure you are warm and comfortable and lay or sit in whatever position feels right to you… Most women like to remove all or most of their clothes.
- Explore yourself, touching and stroking the parts of your body that you like - or would like - to be touched or stroked. Use a hand mirror to look at your genitals and become familiar with every fold, every crease, and every sensitive area that you can find. No matter what you might have been taught or told in the past, touch and stroke everywhere and find out what feels good. Try moving your fingers at different speeds and with different pressures; see how it feels when you place a finger on each side of your clitoris and stroke up and down; try a circular motion on the hood of the clitoris using as many fingers as feels best. Use some lubricant if you are dry to begin with - baby oil is perfect for this, though not for intercourse with a condom since it is incompatible with the latex.
- Try all sorts of different techniques: stroking, pulling, pushing, stretching, pinching, knuckling, several fingers, one finger, your whole palm…
- You need to use your mind to get the best sensation - most women who cannot achieve orgasm do not realise this and simply wait for their body to do something; it might happen but it probably will not. The mind is the most powerful sex organ you have, so use it in the best way you can!
- If thinking 'dirty' thoughts gets you going then think 'dirty' thoughts; if thinking of a certain person, remembering a film you've seen or a recalling a particular sexual encounter (even one that you were not supposed to have) does it, then remember or think those things; if you want to fantasise about anything at all, then do that - whatever builds erotic excitement is exactly the right thing to do. Again, forget any lessons about the 'properness' or otherwise of this activity you might have received from anybody else - it's not their body and it's not their orgasm. The chances are, too, that anybody who has given you the idea that it is 'not nice' to do such a thing did it often enough themselves, even if you find that hard to believe.
- Breathe the way you want to and stop and start the way you want to; as excitement rises, do whatever increases your excitement further and listen to yourself being aroused - this can be extraordinarily erotic. If you want to make noises, make noises; if you want to be quiet, be quiet; if you want to gasp as pleasure begins to fill your body, then gasp - it will greatly increase your pleasure.
- Let your hips move just as they would during intercourse - this is a fairly instinctive movement and when you are on your own you can move as deeply or as softly, as thrustingly or as lightly as you really want to.
- A dildo or vibrator can be wonderful, especially if your hand or fingers get tired, and/or if you find an urge to have something inside you - this is especially important if you are seeking ejaculation (see separate 'Female Ejaculation' information sheet)
- When orgasm starts, continue the stimulation and hip movement for as long as you want to - you can extent the orgasm this way and may even achieve multiple orgasms. Not all women can, though, so don't force the issue. The first time might feel enormously powerful or just leave you wondering: "Was that it?" The secret is practice!
Here are some other important facts:
- The more orgasms you achieve, the easier it gets
- You are never 'too old' - if you still get the urge, then it is ok to do it.
- A vibrator or other toy can lend a whole new dimension to masturbatory pleasure - they will provide direct stimulation to the clitoris. It's easy to buy via the internet.
- Many females find the rubbing against a pillow or cushion is exquisitely enjoyable.
- A dildo can provide amazing stimulation of the 'G-spot' (see 'Female Ejaculation' fact sheet).
- Many women discover that water from Jacuzzi jets or shower heads brings about a powerful orgasm - and often very quickly. Try laying in the bath with your legs apart and playing the water from the shower head against your genitals. Experiment with the pressure and the temperature until you discover what works best for you.
- The most important factor: anything goes!
You can download a printable copy of this page
© Copyright Terence Watts 2006